Dating as a transgender person, or dating someone who is trans, works the same way as any relationship: mutual respect, honest communication and shared interests. There are some extra things worth understanding, though, from the language people prefer to the challenges trans people often face. This guide covers the basics so everyone can date with confidence and kindness.
Gender identity and sexual orientation are different things
Gender identity is about who someone is: their own inner sense of being a man, a woman, both or neither. Sexual orientation is about who someone is attracted to. The two are separate. A trans woman might be straight, lesbian, bisexual or anything else, just like a cisgender woman (a woman whose gender matches the sex she was assigned at birth).
Anyone can be attracted to a trans person. Some people are mainly drawn to trans partners, others are open to dating people of any gender, and many simply meet a trans person and fall for them as an individual. None of this needs a special label.
Use respectful language
You may still see old terms online, including “shemale”, which comes from the adult industry. Most trans people find it offensive and dehumanising. The respectful terms are trans woman, trans man, transgender or non-binary, and the simplest rule of all is to use the words, name and pronouns a person uses for themselves. If you are not sure, ask politely.
A few other things to avoid on dates and in messages:
- Questions about surgery, medical history or someone’s body that you would not ask anyone else on a first date.
- Asking for a person’s birth name or old photos.
- Compliments that are really comparisons, such as “you could pass for a real woman”.
Dating a person, not a fantasy
Trans people often say the most draining part of dating is being treated as a fetish or a curiosity rather than a potential partner. Messages that open with sexual questions, or people who only want something kept secret, are a common complaint. If you are interested in a trans person, show interest in them: their personality, their humour, what they enjoy. Being proud to be seen with your partner matters.
For trans daters, it is fine to treat this kind of behaviour as a red flag. Someone who respects you will not mind waiting to get to know you.
Finding inclusive dating sites and apps
Most mainstream apps now let users choose from a range of gender identities and show their pronouns, and many have policies against transphobic harassment. There are also dedicated transgender dating sites and LGBTQ+ apps where trans people and their admirers can meet in a more welcoming space.
Whichever you choose, look for:
- Clear community rules and an easy way to report and block people.
- Profile options for gender identity and pronouns.
- Photo verification, which helps cut down on fake profiles.
Common challenges, and how to handle them
Stigma and prejudice: Trans people still face discrimination, and that can make dating feel risky. Rejection based on someone’s identity can take a real toll on confidence and wellbeing. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends, and using platforms with strong moderation, both help.
Misunderstandings: Many people have never knowingly met a trans person and may hold mistaken ideas. Patience helps, but it is not a trans person’s job to educate every date. If you are cisgender and dating a trans person, it is worth reading up yourself.
Disclosure: When and how to share that you are trans is a personal choice. Some people put it on their profile to filter out anyone who is not open-minded; others prefer to tell someone once they have built a little trust. Either is valid.
Privacy and safety: Trans people face higher risks of harassment and violence, so the usual online dating safety advice matters even more. Meet in a public place, tell a friend where you are going, keep personal details such as your address private until you know someone well, and be clear about your boundaries and consent.
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Final thoughts
Good dating is respectful dating, whatever anyone’s gender. Use the words people use for themselves, see the person rather than a label, and keep safety and consent at the heart of every date. As understanding of trans lives keeps growing, more people are finding that love simply looks like two people who value each other.
Read more: The Science Behind Speed Dating: Tips Backed by Research
